I Can't Sleep!!! grrrr!!

It is after one in the morning and I cannot sleep a wink! My brain is tired but my eyes are wide awake! Maybe I just have way too much on my mind right now. Sleep is impossible when I have too much on my mind. Its not that I don't want to go to sleep because I really really do, I just can't, and it is driving me batty!!! I want to be able to blog whatever is on my mind but my mom always tells me not to write about negative stuff... Ok I thought this site was about journaling and speaking your mind and feelings? I mean correct me if I'm wrong here. And besides... How can I not write about negative stuff when that seems to be all around me these days?! I know I brought a lot of it on myself, but some of it is not my fault. I've been a little peeved lately with all that has been happening and I need to express it. Ok so all of you know that at the end of July, the boys' dad and I had came back together... And at first it felt right... Well I felt ok with my decision I should say because it had seemed that he had changed sooo much and I tried to convince myself and everyone else that things would be different this time and they were... At first! I kept thinking "gosh if people would just give him a chance to prove how much 'he's changed'" well I have to admit now that he was just playing me for a fool! He hasn't changed he's stiil the pathetic guy that once again has hurt and confused me and once again, confused and hurt my children (emotionally). All he knows is how to hurt and manipulate people so that he can have his way. Well I am no longer the enabler! I am my own self! I am lori welker, gosh dangit and I will prove to him, to everyone and myseld that I am a woman worth more than that and I WILL get over this roadblock in my life, I will be a better person for it, I will move on and I will find someone who loves me and my boys unconditionally and even if I don't find someone I will still be ok and I will be the best mom that I know how to be because god gave me these boys for a reason and even though I'm tested on a daily basis I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world and I love them so much! They are the reason that I am going to be making sacrifices in my life (ie the syrgery, etc...). I want to live for me but most of all, I want to live for my children!!!